Awesome Article on Last Month's Tournament in Aberdeen

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this link, but check out THIS AWESOME ARTICLE El Toupee tracked down in The Press & Journal :)

Roller Derby The Musical??!!

Check out this little beauty that Jetspun member El Toupee just found!! Not quite sure whether the poster girl is skating or in labour, but it definitely looks like it could be an interesting new addition to the world of Roller Derby!!!

Winter Wonderslam Round-Up

Photo by Mike King

Steam Rollers 147 - Ultraviolent Femmes 55

Mention London RollerGirls to anyone in the UK Roller Derby community and you can be sure they’ll have an opinion. Then mention that you have an LRG Season Ticket (crafty marketing there ladies!) and watch them turn green…

Having never witnessed any of the LRG Teams in action before, news of their second intra-league season (in addition to their tournament bouts alongside Birmingham Blitz Dames at Tattoo Freeze, Jan 17th, 2010) had me salivating. Even the prospect of ten butt-numbing hours of National Express drudgery (per bout) couldn’t dim my enthusiasm.

Tottenham Green Leisure Centre, LRG’s home turf, is a tight squeeze for players and fans alike, making for an intimate experience. Whilst the programme states that having a rollergirl in your lap is a privilege, it neglects to mention that it’s also a virtual certainty!

Following Referee and NSO introductions, the teams performed their skate outs. The Ultraviolent Femmes immediately endeared themselves to me by skating out, en masse, to a song by Slayer (which seemed strangely appropriate, despite their Clockwork Orange-inspired team persona) whilst, in contrast, the Steam Rollers skated out individually, one clockwise, one counter-clockwise. Could this be indicative of anything – a solid team against a group of individuals? … Or was I just over-analysing?

Everything that happened afterwards is a bit of a blur…

No, I’m being serious! That’s how fast the bout was played!

And trust me when I say the score line doesn’t do this bout any justice either.

Within two or three jams the Steam Rollers had already stamped their authority on the bout, racking up a dozen plus points and denying the Ultraviolent Femmes any in the process. Consistently superior pack-work coupled with dynamic Jammer strategies saw the Rollers pile on the points at will, whilst the Femmes struggled to break through the pack with any regularity.  There were Jamwiches galore throughout the first period, the majority of which had a Femme filling.

The tension within the Femmes camp spilled onto the track on a number of occasions as the suicide seats played host to a number of players (Quad Ophelia lays claim to five squatters during the course of the bout, and I played host to a couple). Outside Pack Ref’ Henry The Sk8th was taken out at one point, as was one of the many photographers (his tripod may never be the same again!). The sin bin also became over-subscribed towards the end of the period, as both teams cleared their Minors and played short. However, even with three Rollers in the penalty box, the Femmes weren’t able to close them out and bring the scores anywhere near level, further compounding their problems come the end of the first period.

I can’t supply half-time scores for stat’s fiends I’m afraid – but, as Dominic Toretto once said: “It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning.”

(If memory serves, the score was 3/1 in favour of the Rollers (roughly 120 – 40). And, for the record, the half-time intermission included fans racing around the track on space hoppers!)

The second period started in much the same vein as the first, with the Rollers locking out the Femmes at every opportunity, whilst continuing to press home every scoring advantage. Fox Sake and Sky Rockit put another twenty points on the board for the Rollers without any real response from the Femmes within the first few jams. (Apologies to any of the other Steam Rollers Jammers who scored during this period and who I haven’t mentioned by name – Fox and Sky really stood out to me.)

To the Femmes credit, they took this in their stride, and made every effort to hamper the Rollers’ scoring efforts thereafter without jeopardising their own. It was slow but steady work on their part, bordering on death by inches, which might have paid dividends had the half-time score been more favourable. Kamikaze Kitten, Ninjette, and Vagablonde chipped away, jam by jam, to more than double their first period score – indeed, the last few jams saw the Femmes finally get their groove on in a big way (again, sadly not reflected in the final score).

And so, the first of this season’s LRG’s intra-league bouts ended with a decisive victory for the Steam Rollers (147) and a humbling defeat for the Ultraviolent Femmes (55).

Tattoo Freeze will show whether the Femmes can move beyond this, and allow them the chance to try out any new ideas and build upon what they did towards the end of Winter Wonderslam ahead of the next intra-league bout on Feb 6th, against the Suffra Jets (whom the Steam Rollers will face in a closed bout on Feb 27th).


El Toupee

Carrie on Skating!

This weekend Glasgow Roller 'Ghouls' hosted - a special Hallowe'en frenzy full of tricks and treats!

Here's what El Toupee had to say about the event ....

In their debut bout, Maiden Grrders took on the Romsey Town Rollerbillies in what I can only presume was an officially 'unofficial' bout - two twenty-minute periods instead of the usual thirty-minute halves. That confusion aside, it was possibly the most exciting bout I've seen yet. The Grrders and Rollerbillies fought tooth and nail to a time-limit draw. Big Cat Merv did a sterling job of play-by-play commentary  and the crowd, were simply loving it, and not shy to let it be known! Following a Zebra Huddle ("Erm, what do we do?!") the bout went to an Overtime Jam, with Romsey eeking out by 3 points!

Special congratulations to Darmonatrix (Rollerbillies), who bagged Best Blocker and Best Take Down awards.

Oh, and did I mention there was ref on in-lines skates? For Shame!

I then settled in for the first half of the main event: Glasgow Roller Girls’ Irn Bruisers vs. the Rainy City Rollergirls. The Bruisers ranked third at Roll Britannia, and so it quickly became apparent that Rainy City were in for a hard time. I'm not going to sell them short: they fought hard, and pulled off some pretty neat stuff on track, but even when the Bruisers down to two players on track they couldn't quite get their groove on.

There was a lot of penalty box action - GRG regularly seemed to be playing short on track. Everyone must have racked up more than their fair share of Minors, but there was nothing (that the Zebras saw, at least) that suggested anyone was taking unfair advantages.

Rainy City were in with a chance when the bout re-started, having chipped away at their opponent's score with a series of powerplays, but the Bruisers stepped it up a notch. Rainy City's Mookchops and Dee-Mise deserve special mention, as does Feral Fairy, for gutting it out against the Bruisers' defense and putting more points on the board, but when you're skating up to Evel Von Detta (who's skating backwards whilst smack-talking you) and you've got Dreaded Dragon simply gliding around the track like she's on rails, then maybe it's too steep a mountain to climb.

The Irn Bruisers won convincingly, but Rainy City definitely punched above their weight for the first half. I'm sure the Leeds Roller Dolls were paying attention too - LRD travel to RCRG on November 28th.

She Did What To Who?!

Check out this blog El Toupee just discovered on Myspace, it's a Glossary of Derby Plays!


The blog comes from the page of Busta Armov , the retired Head Ref for the LA Derby Dolls , and a contributor to the amazing Derby News Network


Some of my particular favourites from the glossary include ...


The Inverse Bowling Ball - Blocker does a power slide or hockey stop and takes out the pack


Vee-gina Sandwich - Two blockers hit any other skater frpm both sides simultaneously


Tittie Takeout - A sub-category of the Johnnie Crash, in which a skater jabs their shoulder hard into the chest or breasts of the skater coming up behind them


Ass to Puss - A Booty Block in which contact is made between the front skater making the block, and the rear skater who contacts her with her crotch

Roller Derby Movies ...

Jet Stepper is off to see Whip It! this week, and a review will follow shortly ... including just how much closeted lesbian fantasy there really is in the film!

The film won't be out in the UK for at least another three months, but for those of you in need of a Roller Derby film fix, Jetspun correspondent El Toupee has sourced out a few old school derby films for you!  

First up Kansas City Bomber - a 1972 American drama starring Raquel Welch as Kansas City's 'K.C. Carr' (though in the film poster I think she looks way more like Hilary Swank!)

And secondly, Unholy Rollers, a comedy made in the same year, with the tagline 'A Locker Room Look at the Toughest Broads in the World!'

Thanks El Toupee!